美国流行笑话连载
American Pop-jokes Series
1. I got the job
I applied for a job as an insurance salesperson. Where the form requested “prier experience,” I wrote “lifeguard.” That was it. “We are looking for someone who cannot only sell insurance, but who can sell himself,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?” “I couldn’t swim,” I replied. I got the job.
我被聘用了
我申请一份保险销售工作。在申请表“以前工作经历”一栏，我填上了“救生员”，就这么简单。招聘方经理说：“我们找的人不但要能卖保险，而且要能卖他自己。当过救生员与销售员有什么相干呢？”我回答说：“我不会游泳。” 我被聘用了。
2. Translation not found.
I returned from Russia after living there for nearly two years. My sister decided to surprise me by creating “welcome home” signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations,and printed the translated phrase onto cardboards. When I got off the plane, I saw my whole family, excitedly waving colored cardboards. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creations. ”Isn’t it great?” she said, “Bet you didn’t think I knew any Russian.” I admitted that I was indeed surprised—the signs actually said: “Translation not found.”
翻译没找到
我在俄罗斯住了两年以后回国。我妹妹打算给我一个惊喜，用俄语做一个“欢迎归来”的标语牌。她到一个提供翻译的网站上，再把翻译出来的短语打印在纸板上。我一下飞机就看到我们全家人兴高采烈地挥舞着彩色的标语牌。我妹妹给了我一个热烈地拥抱，并且自豪地指着她的创作说：“是不是很棒？我敢打赌你一定不知道我懂俄语。”我承认我确实是大吃了一惊。这标语牌上实际写着：“翻译没找到。”
3. A small trick
All I wanted was to pay for some batteries, but none of the clerks in thr electronics store seemed interested in helping me. I got an idea, and pulled a tape measure out of my pocket. I stepped over to one of the giant plasmascreen TVs and started to measure it. Faster than you can say high definition, a young man came running over. “May I help you?” he asked breathlessly. “Yes,” I said “I’d like to buy these batteries.”
一个小花招
我只是要付钱买电池。但是电器商店里的职员似乎没有一个愿意帮我忙。我想了一个主意。我从口袋里取出一条软尺，走到一个巨大的等离子电视机前，开始量尺寸。你还来不及说出“高度清晰”这几个字，一个年轻人跑过来，上气不接下气地说：“需要我帮助吗？”我说：“我要买这几节电池。”
4. Another small trick
Mike was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienved when the phone went out of commission. Repeated request for repair brought only promise. After several days, Mike again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine … except that all the money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within an hour.
又一个小花招
麦克经常使用一个在繁忙的卡车停车场的投币电话，但这个电话坏了，使他觉得很不方便。几次请电话公司来修，得到的只是口头敷衍。几天以后，麦克又一次联系电话公司，告诉他们不必着急，电话已经能用了，只是每次打完电话之后，所有投进去的钱又退出来了。不但一小时，一个修理工就到了。
5. Not your own food
Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. The bartender says, “Sorry, but you can’t eat your own food in here.” The two guys look at each other then swap lunches.
不能吃自己的食物
两个小伙走进酒吧，坐下来吃他们自己的午餐。酒吧招待对他们说：“对不起，你们不能在这里吃自己的食物。”这两人互相看了一眼，然后交换了他们的午餐。
6. Not my daughter
A large truck was tailing my teenage son as he drove through twon with his female classmate. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street. It pulled next to him at a light. The menacing-looking driver leaned out his window and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and yelled to his co-worker. “That’s not my daughter!”
那不是我的女儿
我十几岁的儿子开车带着他的女同学穿街越巷时，有一辆大卡车紧紧跟在他们后面，转弯拐角紧随不舍。在一个红灯停车处，那辆卡车也停在了他们旁边。一个面目可憎的司机从车里探出头来，盯着他们的车里面怒目而视。仔细看了半天，那个男人咧嘴笑了，对着他旁边的同伙大声嚷道：“那不是我的女儿！”
7. Obedience
“Could we reschedule our tennis match?” My friend asked. “I have to take my dogs to the obedience school in the morning.” ”Obedience school?” I answerd. “What if they don’t want to go?”
驯 服
“我们能不能改一下网球比赛的时间？”我的朋友问我, “早上我必须带我的狗去上驯服课。” “驯服课？”我问，“如果它们不肯去怎么办？”
8. More than a dozen
Paul has a lot of kids—nine to be exact. Flying to a business meeting, he was chatting with his seatmate about family and was supprised to hear the man say: “I wish I had nine kids. “You don’t really know what you’re wishing for,” Paul cautioned.“Yes, I do,” came the reply. “I have thirteen.”
超过一打
保罗有很多孩子，确切地说有九个。在乘飞机去参加一个商务会议途中，他与邻座聊起他们的家庭。当听到邻座说：“但愿我也有九个孩子，”他十分吃惊。他提醒说：“你真不懂你说的但愿意味着什么。”邻座回答说：“我懂，我有十三个。”
9. Not a good name
A woman at the mall was giving away free kittens, I picked up a cute black and white one. “I called him Prince,” she told me. That’s a dumb name for a cat, I thougt. When I got him home, I immediately changed it to “the Kitten formerly known as Prince.”
不是个好名字
一位妇女在商场里送给人们免费的小猫。我挑了一只可爱的黑白花猫。她告诉我说：“我叫它王子。”我心里想，给猫起这样的名字可不好。回到家里我马上把它改成“以前叫做王子的小猫。”
10. Who should change
A collecting service company recently launched an 800 number that was identical to mine. Since then I was getting swamped with wrong calls. When I called the company, they told me to get a new number. “I’ve had mine for twenty years,” I pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?” They refused. So I said, “Fine. From now on I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.“ The company got a new number the next day.
谁该换号
一家讨债公司最近启用了一个800免费电话，那号码正好跟我的相同。从那时开始我每天被错号电话搞得不胜其扰。当我打电话去这家公司交涉的时候，他们让我换号码。我说：“我使用这个号码已经20年了。能不能请你们换号码？”他们拒绝了。为此我说：“那好，从今天起，我会告诉每一个打电话到这个号码的人，他们的账单已经付清了。”那家公司第二天就换了号码。
11. Blind submission
I was driving in the procession to the cemetery for a distant relative’s funeral. “Since we don’t really know any body, do you want to just head home?” I asked my wife. When she nodded, I made a U-turn. I looked in the mirror and found the rest of the procession was still following.
盲 从
我们行驶在一个车队里，前往公墓去参加一个远房亲戚的葬礼。我问太太：“我们并不认识其他人，你想不想干脆回家算了？”她点了点头，我就调转车头往回开。我从后视镜里看到，后面的车队居然还是跟着我们。
12. Can pilots fly?
The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain for its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn’t swim. When new comers learned of this, they would often approach him about it. “Is it true? You, a boat captain, can’t swim?””No, I can’t!” he replied. “Can pilots fly?”
飞行员会飞吗？
五大湖实验室为其实验船只雇佣了一位有执照的船长。大家都知道这位船长不会游泳。当新来的人知道这事以后，他们常常会去问他：“这是真的吗？你身为一个船长不会游泳？”他回答说：“我是不会游泳。飞行员会飞吗？”
13. Told you so
On my way to deliver a computer to my customer, I saw a hand written sign at the entrance of an alley. It read: “Blocked! Can not pass! Difficult to turn back.” I continued anyway, only to discover that the alley was indeed blocked by a fallen tree. As predicted, it took a while to turn the truck around. When I finally got to the entrance, I noticed a second sign. It read: “Told you so!”
告诉过你了
在给顾客送电脑的途中，我看到一条小巷的入口贴了一张手写的标记牌：“堵住了！不能通过！转回来困难。”但是我还是继续往前开，直到发现这条小巷真的被一颗倒下的大树堵住了。正如所预料到，费了很大的劲才把卡车掉过头来。当我最后又回到小巷入口处时，看到了另一条标记：“已经告诉过你会这样的吧！”
14. Shave my head
A man walked into my barbershop asking how much for a haircut. “Eight dollars,” I answered. “And for a shave?” “Five dollars” “Alright,” he said, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
把我的头刮了
一名男子走进我的理发店，问理个发多少钱。我回答说：“八美元。”“那么刮个脸多少钱？”“五美元。”他一边坐进理发椅，一边说“那就把我的头刮了吧。”
15. Here comes my neighbor
There’s this drunk standing out on the street corner. Anda cop passes by and says, “What do you think you’re doing?” The drunk says, “I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I’m waiting on my house. Won’t be long now, here comes my neighbor.”
我邻居的房子过来了
一个醉汉站在马路的转角处。一个警察走过来问他道：“你这是在干什么？”醉汉说：“我听说地球每24小时转一圈，所以我在这里等我的房子转过来。不用很久了，我邻居的房子已经过来了！”
16. The eighth symptom
Hypochondriac that I am. I constantly log on to the Internet to self dignose my latest ailment. But even I knew it was time to lighten up the day I typed in the key words liver disorders. That led me to a medical site. With growing alarm I realized I had each of the first seven symptoms.Then I came to No.8 and suddenly felt much better:”Feeling of lethargy. Nolonger enjoys romping and wegging tail.”
.
第八种症状
我患有抑郁症，经常登录到网上去自我诊断最近的病况。尽管知道应该乐观起来了，我还是键入了关键字“肝脏异常”。这把我带进一个医学网站。当看到前七个症状我全有的时候，我越来越紧张。当看到第八个症状时，我突然感觉好起来了：“没精打采，不再喜欢玩闹和摇尾巴。”
17. It’s three o’clock
My wife has always been impressed by my ability to identify bird species by its song. To help her learn a little bit about birds, I bought a novety kitchen clock that sounds different bird call for each hour. We were relaxing in our yard when a cardinal started singing. “What’s that?” I challenged. She listened closely, “It’s three o’clock.”
那是三点钟
我太太对于我光听鸟的叫声就能识别是哪一种鸟的本事很佩服。为了帮助她学一点关于鸟的知识，我买了一台奇妙的厨房钟，这钟每小时能发出不同的鸟叫声。我们正在院子里休息的时候，一只红雀开始唱歌。我考考我太太说：“那是什么鸟？”她仔细听了一会儿说：“那是三点钟。”
18. Good news and bad news
The paster of my church hates to plead for money. But when the coffers were running low, he had no choice. “There’s good news and there’s bad news,” he told the congregation. “The good news is that we have more than enough money for all the current and future needs of the parish. The bad news is, it’s still in your pockets.”
好消息与坏休息
我们教会的牧师羞于开口要钱。但是到了拮据的时候他就别无选择。他告诉会众说：“有一个好消息，也有一个坏消息。好消息是，我们有远远足够的钱提供教会当前和未来的需要。坏消息是，这些钱还在你们的口袋里。”
